“Your life does not get better by chance. It gets better by change.” -Jim Rohn
Happy Autumn to you!
Where does the time go? I don’t know. What I do know is that I was fortunate to have some much deserved time to myself this summer- time I used to get my head on straight… straighter. Before I knew it, the end of August was upon me and my Little Dude was heading back to school. Tri-city traffic has been the worse it has ever been since I’ve lived in southern California for reasons unbeknownst to me.
I do have a theory about the traffic…and by “theory” I mean one of my philosophical/spiritual rambles.
Now may be a good time to get a snack.
A few years ago, when I wore my hair super short and I was just too damn happy to live and drive in California, traffic was not a problem. At 28, I was new to driving. Once I got over my fear of being in cars I fell in love with the open road! I could leave my house ten minutes late and still get where I was going in time, on time. My son was smaller and more dependent yet we were rarely late. I remember feeling like I was on to something miraculous- like I was racing time and winning! I was in the lead with wins over losses and quite content with my victories. But I was not into paying attention to life signs and energy like I am today.
In the last year or so I have had this feeling that I have outgrown where I am. I am no longer in love with the practical areas of my life. I want a divorce! The feeling is so strong at times it seems indelible. I am not just taking about geography, but an all-encompassing feeling that my spaces are shrinking and I struggle to take even the smallest step. My body has run out of contortions, yet somehow I still fit into these tight uncomfortable spaces. I keep telling myself, it’s time to move on. Find a new career. Evolve . Learn a new hobby. I rise in the morning with the reminder that it is time to move on. My eyes open a few minutes before my alarm does but it takes my brain a good twenty minutes to talk my body into participating in the mundane routine. I rush every morning to get through it, but I am constantly faced with some delay that makes me late. While I am at work I hear the soft voice reminding me it is time to move on in a new direction. The silence in the office gives me plenty of time to pay attention to all the thoughts that come and go. It tells me I deserve; I need; I must do– or everything around me will remain the same. I hear it, but am I really listening?
Traffic before and after work is where I really tap into The Dark Side of my psyche.
The following visual aide will help you, well…visualize what I have to endure five mornings a week:
How people do this for YEARS I don’t know. Honestly, I fantasize about grabbing a blunt object and using on anyone that slams on their brakes when I am behind them going 45 MPH. People who ride their breaks and fail to utilize turn signals would also lose their heads. I would use the smiley face umbrella I keep in my trunk and get buck wild! However, that would bite me in the butt because 1) mass violence usually increases traffic due to the presence of police, ambulance, and people ogling, not to mention 2) I would have to call out of work on the count of my incarceration. I am too cute for prison, at least that’s what my Mom says. I respectfully agree.
I experience the same feelings whenever I go to Wal-Mart. How long does it take to move ketchup from a shelf to a friggin’ shopping cart??!! But that is a blog for a different day.
I don’t want to control everything– just some of what I can’t control, like traffic. I want to have the power to make it part like the Red Sea. I am not asking to be Moses, I just want to have that ability.
However, I digress. I do a deep breathing exercise and wonder if all this external chaos is a manifestation of all the turmoil I feel going on inside- the halting standstill creating this mundane energy I can barely tolerate! Essentially I am confined to a small space when I am stuck in traffic, right? Time flies but the car goes nowhere. Unable to move forward and any progression is met with stagnation and tardiness. I can SCREAM (and I have) or I can accept this as a temporary delay, one that will change when I change circumstances in which I can change- in time and with patience. Some things have to change so I won’t need to travel the same tortured road. Right now, though, I need to chill out before I pop a vessel or something.
I could get hypnotized like Peter did in “Office Space”. Groupon usually has good deals for stuff like that…
Please know this acceptance does not apply to my feelings about Wal-Mart. Also know I understand that true peace comes from within and manifests into the life outside of us. The conundrum on my end is how in the hell can I focus on inner peace when the world outside is so f@#$ed up???!!!