I was about to tell y’all a straight lie and call this post “focused”. I crack myself up! Sometimes I am on the money. Other times however, not so much.

In the beginning of February I decided to focus on what I want because focusing on what I didn’t want wasn’t getting me anywhere. I began the practice of speaking gratitude for my blessings like I already had them: the fulfilling career; health, love, etc. I woke up each morning declaring that day would be a good one. I was surrounded by bright purple vibes that undulated around me.

Then I got cocky and began to backslide.

I let a small mental event change the entire course of my motivation. I don’t even know what the thought was, but I am sure it was a petty. After the thought, my day had a few irritating moments, but I got on with my life. I decided I could skip a day of doing the affirmations and being grateful. Initially, the effect was small. I still felt good but I found myself becoming more easily irritated. Then I stopped declaring the day would be a great one as soon as I woke up.

As the days went on, the bright purple light became staggering and gray. Eventually, it turned black. I was not in the mood for anything, and it was written all over my face. My energy was depleted. I couldn’t get enough rest. I went home and passed out at 3PM on a Tuesday. When I woke up I rushed and panicked over the lost time. I did not have the desire to do the things that help me feel good, such as working out and eating well. When I am down I am down. I struggle to discuss these feelings because I don’t understand the communication going on inside me. Of course, my first emotional response is anger. The ego LOVES anger! One angry thought creates another and another. Next thing I know I am exhausted and self-loathing and ANGRY at the world. A friend came to check on me and by the time she was ready to leave, she felt heavy and exhausted. Once she got home she had energy to do laundry and clean! My home was drenched in the thick stench of BLECH!

Here is a list of negative thoughts that put me in the straight-up DARK (WARNING: cursing is a-coming)

  • I FUCKIN HATE MY STUPID FUCKIN JOB AND EVERY STUPID FUCKIN THING ABOUT IT! @#$&!!!!
  • WHY THE FUCK DON’T WE JUST GIVE EVERY ASSHOLE A GODDAMN DRIVER’S LICENCE???!!!!
  • (in Wal-Mart) GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY! HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO CHOOSE KETCHUP??!!! (Although, I tend to give myself a pass in Wal-Mart. People do the most there. Doesn’t matter which one I go to…and I am NOT the only person who feels this way. Maybe it’s the florescent lighting…)
  • WHY THE HELL IS MY MAILBOX FILLED WITH THESE STUPID FUCKIN CIRCULARS! YOU’RE KILLING TREES FOR NO REASON YA CORPORATE BASTIDS!!!

I can laugh now, but honestly, how unattractive are these thoughts? The energy they create? And why would I expect to attract anything more than what I believe I deserve if I sound like a friggin’ maniac?

How did it all shift in a matter of a week? I was doing so well!

For those who can relate to the frustration that comes with ups and downs, please remember that failing is an important attribute of success. Enter any cliché relating to change, falling down, or success here. I lost focus and I slowly spiraled back to square one. I am thankful that I no longer see failure as a disappointment. Failure helps to redirect focus on what I want. I love feeling abuzz with positive energy! It makes me feel internally beautiful, passionate about life, and vivacious as all get out. Most important, it helps attract MORE POSITIVE THOUGHTS AND EXPERIENCES.

Since I have a choice, I’ll take more of the good stuff any day. I’ll use some of that good energy to back cookies ‘n shit J.

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