A girl goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, it hurts when I do this. The doctor says, “Well, don’t do that.”

“This” is one; the magic number.

It only takes one of something to change anything. One experience can scar or heal. One cent can make someone a millionaire. One thought can change an entire outlook.

I believe I have discovered what my “this” is.

In life, I have been a seeker of two things: unconditional love for myself and the happiness of others. Before I became an adult and learned my parents are human, I did not understand why they were the way they were. In short, they both experienced emotional trauma early in their lives. They never learned how to heal, and so they conducted their lives as hurt people. Like most empathetic children, I thought that if I was “good”, that would make them happy. Of course I never asked what they needed; I didn’t have the language or life experience to even fathom the questions, let alone understand possible responses. I didn’t know that “hurt” people ultimately hurt other people, so if my attempts to fix problems went unnoticed or had a negative outcome, I took it personally.

I was a smart kid. I taught myself to read at age four and watched a shit ton of PBS. Looking back, I wonder if this made people uncomfortable. I had answers to things I should not have known. I could figure out problems without learning the process. I asked questions that frustrated grownups. Thus, I either got in trouble or ostracized because people could not relate.

Philly was an environment where conceit or cockiness was expressed by those who had material means to support those attitudes (i.e. nice home, clothes, money, etc.). Poor Black girls who lacked these possessions typically didn’t act that way- especially if their hair or skin color was without a certain favorable appearance.  I figured if I agreed with the ways and wants of others, if I didn’t talk so much, maybe these changes will keep me out of trouble and keep me from getting hurt. Say “yes”-be agreeable. Saying “no” meant trouble was not far away.

To clarify, I grew up book smart. Three years ago, I started studying emotional intelligence.

Remember the scene in Kill Bill Vol.2 when Beatrix Kiddo was buried alive? Like anyone in her position she loses her mind! Then she gives herself time to get it together. She then realizes she can break free, punches her way out of a pine box, runs six feet to the surface, and proceeds to claim what’s hers. There’s no way her enemies could have prepared for that! Self-healing is like that for me. I gain knowledge and don’t fully understand the lesson until I’m forced out of an old belief. That one moment when emotional knowledge is gained, it fractures what’s suppressed. Through that small crack, whatever is stifled bursts out and starts rushing to the surface. I am going to have to punch my way out of a few pine boxes in life. The greatest knowledge I have gained is to love and trust myself. I’m saying yes to Me. The statement is short; however, the meaning is bringing blocked emotions up at a speed I can’t control.

And so, from time to time I get defiant. I realize that I feel guilty for putting myself next and I get MAD.

The habit of muting my voice has me in a place where I can see the affects and it pisses me off. My actions, words, and emotions lack consistency. As a result I often feel misunderstood or taken advantage of. Words say “NO”, my inner voice says “HELL NO”; actions say “OK”. Feel free to switch that around however you like. Most times people aren’t concerned about how our words come out so much as the words coming out. Cycles can go on forever or they can end. It only takes one event- one second- to decide. It only takes one second to make any declaration a reality. Just remember- change needs time, consistency, and patience. It will be hard but fuck it. There’s nowhere else to go but up.

A woman goes to the doctor and says “Doctor, I stopped doing that, but it still hurts” The doctor asks, “Good. Sounds like your healing.”

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One thought on “@#$%!

  1. This is beautiful! I love the Kill Bill reference and the bit with the doctor and patient in the end. Something hurting even after not doing the same hurtful thing is a true pathway to healing, but the way you wrote it is very moving. Thank you for that!

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